Schoch’s Scoop #5


by Al Schoch

Editor’s note: A committee was formed to incorporate DPSPAA as a Pennsylvania non-profit. Brother Paul Litwin, ESQ (447) is handling the legal work pro bobo. The following is a fictional version of that action. 

(Undated) —  The Delta Pi/Sigma Pi Alumni Association executive board moved closer toward incorporation after receiving expert advice of brother Paul “Small Print” Litwin (447-Tunkhannock, PA).

“Yeah, just sign right here, and here, and here, and here and there’ll be no worries,” said Litwin as he rifled through a stack of papers taller than the silver dome atop Carver Hall. “You won’t go wrong, promise!”

Litwin, wearing a three-piece pinstripe suit, wide-brimmed fedora, spats on his shoes, mirrored sunglasses and weilding a toothpick in his mouth, assured DPSPAA president Earl Lowry (171-Chesterfield, MO) that no one on the board needed to read the documents. Litwin also volunteered to act as the organization’s accountant.

“Lawyer, accountant, it’s pretty much the same thing,” said Litwin, checking his watch every two minutes. “And my prof at Widener, Randle Pollard, will back me up.”

Lowry quickly signed off on the documents in between gulps of Anheiser-Busch Cream Ale. “Hey, did you see the Cardinals won the World Series!” Lowry roared. “Ya-HOOOO! Redbird Nation rules! The Cardinals!  Not the Phillies, not the fricken Yankees, not the Twins.  The Cardinals!”

Lowry’s outburst was grudgingly acknowledged by secretary Al Schoch (226- St. Paul, MN), who seemed more interested in the Vanderbilt-South Carolina basketball game being broadcast on ESPN-U.

“But what about our liability?” asked Chuck Ranck (11-Montoursville, PA), who agreed to lend his home address as the future coporation’s principal business address. “What if someone goes overboard during the canoe trip, am I going to lose my house?”

Litwin cleared his throat, asked if there were any more questions, then revealed his fee.

“Somewhere in the neighborhood of 3-4 thousand smackers, and it may take up to two years before the process is done,” said Litwin, who mentioned that he needs a change of address for “some sort of personal consideration.”

Dave Decoteau (351-Danville, PA), who again was late for the monthly meeting (“why should I be on time when I’m not leading off the agenda?”) was denied a chance to ask about Department of State certification and what constitutes a quorum.

“Sorry, Dave, the floor is closed… oh, jeeze, look at the time,” said Litwin, shoving papers in his briefcase and bolting for his Corvette.


Previously on Schoch’s Scoop:


Board passes rough draft unanimously to get him to stop talking

by Al Schoch

(Undated) — It was the shortest DPSPAA meeting since the current board took office in September, but for some it dragged on just a bit too long.

Brother Dave Decoteau introduced the latest draft of the Delta Pi University effort, a 1639-page tome covering everything from family lines to breakfast menus at Scranton Commons. An accompanying slide show was not presented, perhaps since most members of the board had earlier disabled much of their laptop functions for the night.

“Jesus, how can he just keep going on and on and on and on,” said Josh Sullivan, who kept stopping and starting his TiVo of last night’s Eagles loss to the Bears. “Sure, we want the fraternity to survive, but do we have to hear every last detail?”

Decoteau more than once asked if everybody understood the points he was making, while sounds similar to the Three Stooges snoring were heard over the conference call.

“I know what the brick is for, I know about the scavenger hunt, I know we can’t go all Sandusky on the pledges,” said Brian Thompson as he answered his door for the pizza he ordered when Decoteau was expousing on how they won’t stand for brothers throwing empty buckets at pledges during Hell Night.

“It’s bad enough I had to takes notes during the presentation,” said DPSPAA board secretary Al Schoch. “Now, I have to spell his name right, too?  It was never like this at United Press International.”

Current Sage Rico Guerriero eagerly gave his personal stamp of approval of Decoteau’s recommendations. “Just to shut the old man up,” said Guerriero, noting that he’s surprised Decoteau didn’t add something about “some damned race that he just ran.”

DPSPAA president Earl Roger Lowry apparently dozed off during the presentation, but was heard muttering in his sleep about “wanting to do all he can to convince Pujols to stay.”

Perhaps the only board member who showed great enthusiasm for the report, and was also asking for more information was Robert Woolslager, who didn’t join the conference call until 10:15 pm.  The meeting was adjourned at 10:17 p-m following unanimous approval of Decoteau’s report.

The next step is to have the actives review and vote on the proposal at a meeting scheduled to begin in less than 24 hours.

“I’ll be there to go over it,” Decoteau told Guerriero.

“No, no, no, that’s all right,” said the Sage before telling Decoteau the meeting would be held at the 8th floor of the Hotel Magee at 8 pm EST.

“My brain is swimming, I’m going crazy with this stuff,” said Decoteau. “And if we don’t get 20 pledges next semester, dammit, I’m starting from scratch.”




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